I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
