Please, let me fuck your mom
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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