You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
