Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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