This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
