Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
