I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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