Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
