I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
