he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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