Heybabeimwearingurpanties
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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