i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
