i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
