I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
