I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
