chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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