I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
