He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
