I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
