If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
