I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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