you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
