I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
