There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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