I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I want her autograph on my taint
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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