Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
