I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
