I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
