I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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