i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
