Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Pants are for mortals
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
