my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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