DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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