Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
