I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
