be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
