Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
