I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
