Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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