I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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