i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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