last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
