eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
