I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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