I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
