Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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