my soul wont recognize me after tonight
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize