anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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