I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
