My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
