Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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