I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
