I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
