I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
