I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
