yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
