This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
