I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
