New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
