cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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